I’m back. I have to be. I started this blog YEARS ago when I quit smoking in hopes that’d it keep me accountable to stay smoke-free and healthy and it worked – at least the smoke-free part did.
I quite smoking and started working out. Working out was something I was new to – I just never included it in my life. Sure, I’d attempt to run every now and again, but it wasn’t something that I felt the need to do every day until I quit smoking. Then it became my outlet. When I craved a cigarette, I’d workout. Of course, it also helped me keep those quit smoking pounds off. It felt good to know that the longer I stayed smok-free the easier it’d get for me to breathe. Then I started seeing results…and I was addicted.
Addicted to working out. Addicted to feeling good. Addicted to the reactions and praise in regards to my transformation. Not only had I quite smoking and taken up an active lifestye, my body started transforming. I gained muscle, I leaned out. I looked good and I liked it but I wanted to look better. I wanted to push myself harder in th gym, I wanted to be the best I could be.
I started restricting foods. No fat, no carbs, NO alcohol, so sugar….no fun. I’d avoid going out with friends to avoid food I didn’t want to eat, I’d avoid dating because I was certain no guy would be interested in dating someone with such a strict lifestyle….until I met well, lets call him Bob. Bob was a recovering alcoholic, was in AA, didn’t drink and lived a pretty low key sober, healthy life. PERFECT!
But it wasn’t. It fed MY addiction and made it that much easier for me to live the life I wanted. But even Bob caught on to my unhealthy habits. We spent 8 days in Hawaii and it was there that he realized that I had a problem. This is me.
Everything I wanted to be and honestly, still do. Lean. Not an ounce of fat on my body. Happy.
We broke up when we came back from Hawaii. I thought he was controlling and he thought I had a problem…I did.
I started two-a-days at the gym. I was single, nothing better to do, living a very routine, habitual life. For what?
I would meet guys, ruin relationships. I’d say it was them but I just oculdn’t fit guys into my sad routine life. I wanted to eat what I wanted, work out when I wanted and avoid food and alcohol ALWAYS. I’d come up with reasons to not go places, not sleep over, and eventually end it. I’d sabotage relationships that could have been great!
Fast forward to my move to Chicago. I’m here. Things are different. I’m out of my comfort zone. I started eating things I wasn’t used to, things I’d feel guilty about. I wasn’t working out twice a day because I had to walk everywhere. Things just felt so DIFFERENT. I freaked. I started a habbit I’ve never had in my life.
I started binging.
I’d binge on foods that I wasn’t used to….and I’d enjoy it. But of course, I felt guilty. I would sleep the rest of the next day to avoid eating anything at all but when this habit started occurring more often, there was only 1 option, as I couldn’t hide away all day, every day.
I started purging.
It’s hard to even write this write now because there is only 1 person in my life who knows about this. I’m not proud, I’m not happy, I’m a mess. I want to change.
Not only have I developed this horrible habit and gained weight, which KILLS me, but I’ve become obsessive about the gym again here. I wake up every morning at 4:30 to work out. I go to work and walk back to the gym to work out again. Then, I walk home and get back to the house between 8-9 eat dinner and not go to sleep until 11ish, get a few hour of sleep and do it all over again.
I’m tired. My body is tired. And now it’s failing.
I started having trouble walking a couple of months ago. My stride shortened, my hips were tight, my feet were hurting. I didn’t think anything of it. I stretched a littl e more than usual and then I worked out even harder to push through it.
My feet are now completely numb, I’m having a hard time working out and walking and I’m scared.
I went to a physical therapist who is trying to help me but between her telling me to go to a doctor and everything I’m reading online about what this could be….I am terrified. I feel like I messed myself up. I hurt myself. I did this!
All I ever wanted to do was be healthy. Quit smoking, live an active/healthy lifestyle. I took it to the extrmeme and I’m at a place now that I can’t seem to get back from. A dark, dark, dark place.
So here I am. Eating disorder. Severely overtrained. Severely tired. Sad. Depressed and feeling very alone.
I’m not one to want to flaunt this information to the world but this blog has worked for me in the past. It has indeed helped me stay accountable for not smoking – Frebrusary will be 5 years. It has given me so many opportunities that I never would have gotten.
I want it to work again. I want to be better. Healthy. Happy.
Chicago is my time to change. I am going to change.
It starts here.
I want to keep everyone updated on what’s going on with my hips and back. I’m on day 4 of not working out and well, you can imagine how I feel. But I’m giving my body a rest and starting there. I have a doc appointment on Wed. I will update when I know more.